Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Random Thought of the Day

I practice my forgettin' 'til it works.

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Random Thought of the Day

"That's only a celophysis, it's omnivorous."

"I don't much care where it goes to church, it sure has got some bad manners."

Monday, December 29, 2008

Random Thought of the Day

You talk about the world like it's some place that you've been.

Friday, December 26, 2008

Engrish Instructions

Here's some good Engrish from the instructions for some remote controlled cars the boys got from Grandma and Grandpa for Christmas:

Refresh the indicator become green, mean that climbing a wall a car start fresh. After battery be full of, refresh the indicator will put out.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Happy Ramahanuquanzmas

Or for the non-politically correct, Merry Christmas! We had a great day. The boys woke us up a little before 7:00 this morning. We opened presents, drank coffee, and then Dad made biscuits & gravy and eggs for breakfast. Todd, Becca and Maddi came out later. Todd and I took Maddi to meet her mom, and we spent the next couple of hours getting Julie's present (a new couch) out of our storage unit and upstairs. Julie made potato soup and we grazed on just about every imaginable kind of food all day. It's been a nice lazy day, the best Christmas ever. Hope everyone's was as good as ours.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Random Thought of the Day

I got out of bed for this?

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

87847063, Better Known As 01010111010101000100011000111111

Why is it that web site designers can't figure out that credit card expiration dates don't include month names or 4-digit years? You go to make a purchase, you enter your information, you get to the expiration date...it lists January, February, March, etc. THE ****ING CARD USES NUMBERS, YOU ASS RABBITS. NOT JUST MY CARD, BUT EVERY SINGLE CREDIT CARD EVER MADE IN THE HISTORY OF CREDIT CARD HISTORY. They don't have September, Sept, Sept-1 or even 1(Sept). It's a number, 01 through 12, end of story. Same goes for the year. The card says "Valid through 09/11". That means when I see boxes to enter the expiration date, the first box should contain selections 01 through 12 and nothing else. And the second box should contain selections [current year] through [ I don't care how far forward you want to go, just make it a 2-digit year--do you really need to put 2011? If you just put 11 like they do on the card, might we confuse it with 2111 or 2211? No, we won't. We're not you.] and nothing else.

I'm surprised they don't make you enter your name by the numeric placement of the letters in your name. In order to match the expiration date stupidity quotient, instead of Jeff, they should make me enter 10566. Or better yet, require that I enter the ASCII values of all letters and numbers. Ah hell, just make it binary.

Happy shopping,
Jeff
  aka 74101102102
  aka 01001010011001010110011001100110

Make Your Own Ringtones For iPhone

If you want anything other than the vanilla ringtones that ship with the iPhone, Apple tries to make you buy them from them. Yeah right. I thought about jailbreaking my iPhone, but for ringtones there are much less drastic measures. I found some detailed instructions on how to turn your own music into ringtones. There are a couple of caveats: 1)you can't use music that is DRM-protected; 2)the resulting ringtones can be no longer than 30 seconds. I found that out the hard way, after wearing a hole in the wall with my head for waaaaay too long. The instructions tell you how to extract only part of songs, but they failed to mention that there is a 30-second maximum.

Random Thought of the Day

Different, maybe not the same.

Monday, December 22, 2008

Random Thought of the Day

Mmmm…this is what I imagine angels taste like.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Rainy Day Songs

As a kid, I remember riding in the back seat of the car when it was raining. We were usually driving from Mud Lake to Idaho Falls. Nobody would be talking. I would get heavy-eyed leaning against the window; mesmerized by the gray distance, the whoosh of tires turning on wet pavement and the songs on the radio playing in the background of my empty thoughts.

Here's a list of my rainy day songs. I chose them not because I remember hearing them on such trips, but because every time I hear them they make me think of those times. I have a Grooveshark playlist so you can give a listen.

Treasures In Heaven by Burlap to Cashmere
Black Balloon by The Goo Goo Dolls
Bitter Sweet Symphony by the Verve
Levon by Elton John
California Dreamin' by The Mamas And The Papas
Iris by the Goo Goo Dolls
Gravedigger by Dave Matthews Band
For All We Know by Further Seems Forever
Stand Up by Every Day Sunday
Secret by Maroon Five
Rocket Man by Elton John
When The Levee Breaks by Led Zeppelin
Champagne Supernova by Oasis
Fast Car by Tracy Chapman
Where Are You Going by Dave Matthews
Already Gone by Further Seems Forever
Dreams by The Cranberries
Walkin In Memphis by Marc Cohn
Name by the Goo Goo Dolls
She Will Be Loved by Maroon Five
You Are The Everything by R.E.M.
Wasting My Time by Default
Everything by Stereo Fuse
Free Fallin' by Tom Petty

Friday, December 19, 2008

Random Thought of the Day

Liar, lawyer, mirror show me what's the difference. Kangaroo done hung the guilty with the innocent.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Random Thought of the Day

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Firefox Clears Cookies Unexpectedly

I was having a problem with Firefox. Whenever I would close Firefox, it would clear the cookies, even though I made sure the "Always clear my private data when I close Firefox" option was unselected. It was very annoying, because I had to keep manually logging into sites I want to automatically log into when I open Firefox. It turns out, I had a corrupt cookie storage file. I renamed the cookie file as per Quarantine's reply here, and all is well. If you're having this problem, this is the likely fix.

Random Thought of the Day

Grab yourself a can of pork soda, you'll be feeling just fine.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Check Out the Oddities

I found a new favorite site today: Oddee, A Blog of Oddities of Our World. I put it in my favorite links, so check it often.

Random Thought of the Day

If I was a bulb, I'd be the harshest, most juice-sucking electric tool you've ever seen.

Monday, December 15, 2008

Random Thought of the Day

You're right, I get it. It all makes sense, you're the perfect person.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Blink, Damnit!

OK, so we all know eye contact is a good thing when talking to someone, right? NEWS FLASH: when you're in a conversation, and you give the constant, unflinching, unending stare-down, it's just creepy. We know you've read How To Win Friends and Influence People, we get it. You don't have to prove to us that you're not afraid to make eye contact. You look like a snake (which, consequently, I've found is quite fitting more often than not). Looking people in the eye in a natural, normal way as though you're a natural, normal human being will do just fine. Otherwise, you just make us wonder what the hell you're hiding behind that Sauron gaze that forces you to try to convince us how comfortable you are with yourself. Either that, or you're trying to tell me you want to have sex with me. If that's not the vibe you're going for, knock it off. And if you're a guy knock it off regardless, especially if that is the vibe you're going for.

Random Thought of the Day

Oh, you'll smoke a turd in hell for that!

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Random Thought of the Day

You're lucky I can't breathe, or I'd walk all up and down your ass.

Dick Pants Gets It Wrong Again (How Surprising)

We were promised snow last night by all the local weathermen. Seeing that there are two types of forecasters (those who don't know and those who don't know they don't know) it came as no surprise that we got a little rain but no snow. My favorite local chump is Rick Lantz, to whom I gave the more fitting name of Dick Pants. You'd think with his fancy, handy dandy, technologicationated Storm Tracker 7,000,000 (or whatever he's calling it these days), he could be correct every now and again. Scott Dorkval is no better. Guess I'll be better served by using my weather rock. Hang on...the rock is white, looks like snow. Finally. See how easy that was? Good thing I didn't shell out the money to get a degree in being wrong.

Friday, December 12, 2008

Random Thought of the Day

I'm glad I didn't get chewed in half at an embarrassing moment.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Random Thought of the Day

You believe me don't you? Please believe what I just said. See, they're telling true and this wasn't all in my head.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

I'm Surrounded by Imbeciles

After nobody was able to figure out the Amphicat logo, I was pretty sure my friends must be a bunch of rubes. Since posting the Land of the Lost contest, I'm now certain of it. Not a single guess. Not even someone worthy of Almost-Non-Moron of the Day. Well, here are the answers.


  1. What is the name of the Sleestak ancestor who knows how to control the time portal, and what species is he? Enik was an Altrusian. As an aside, the writers originally named him Eneg ("Gene" backwards) in homage to Gene Roddenberry, but the producers thought that was a bit over the top and changed the name.

  2. Which dude in the Sleestak suit went on to play in the NBA? Detroid Pistons center Bill Laimbeer

  3. What species was Chaka? Chaka was a Paku

  4. What did Rick, Will and Holly call the giant stick they used to fend off the T-Rex? The fly swatter

  5. What was the name of the dinosaur that protected the Lost City and the Sleestak eggs? Alice (the allosaurus)

  6. Trump Card(correct answer automatically wins the whole show): In the 1st season episode named The Hole, what special effects anomoly occurred? (OK, you have several to choose from, but this one really sticks out.) When Marshall is thrown into the Sleestak god's pit, he hits the safety net and bounces back up through the smoke-covered opening.

I thought about trying another LOTL contest, but apparently nobody is versed in the finer things of the 1970's. So I'm going to have to go all Clark W. Griswold on you. New Genius of The Day Contest: I'm thinking of a whole number between 1 and 10. Guess what it is.

Random Thought of the Day

Does anything ever sound like a bad idea to you?

Tuesday, December 09, 2008

Random Thought of the Day

Shave your face with some mace in the dark. Savin' all your food stamps but burnin' down the trailer park.

Monday, December 08, 2008

Nice Job There, ColdMilliVanillaIcePlay

What a bunch of choads. Coldplay's song, Viva La Vida is up for a Grammy this year. Problem is, they didn't write the song. They ripped it off from guitar virtuoso Joe Satriani. It's not similar--it is the exact same tune as If I Could Fly. Imagine Joe's surprise when he finds out someone else is getting credit for his song. He's suing. He will win. This is nothing new for Coldplay. Their song Yellow conveniently borrows riffs from Radiohead's This Is The Place. Hey Chris Martin (Coldplay's singer): everyone knows that when you try coming up with your own crap, you step all over your dick. You can't even name a damn kid without an epic fail. Apple? Really? Couldn't you have applied at least some of the plagiaristic genius you use on your songs and ripped off a human name? Jackass. I haven't seen such blatant plagiarism since Led Zeppelin pretended they, rather than Willie Dixon, wrote Bring It On Home.

You be the judge. Here's a mashup of the Satriani and Coldpay songs being played on top of each other. If you're not familiar with either song and you can't tell which is which...EXACTLY:

Random Thought of the Day

I'm a donkey on the edge!

Saturday, December 06, 2008

Random Thought of the Day

It always rains like hell on the Loser's Day parade.

Friday, December 05, 2008

Random Thought of the Day

Who's that casting devious stares in my direction?

Thursday, December 04, 2008

Nice Try, But You're Not Fooling Me

Today something happened that made me question the universe as I know it. I am no longer certain that we can have any confidence in the things we see, afraid that they may merely be a reverse-engineered quasi-reality.

I was sitting in my rat cube trying to decipher education-level codes from our database. OK, so both "1" and "01" mean "2", which means "First Grade". Got it. So does "12" mean "12" which means "GED", and "13" mean "14" which means "High School Diploma"? Or do both "12" and "13" mean "13" which means either "GED" or "High School Diploma"? And what about "14" which means "15"--why does "15" not mean anything?? I haven't even made it to "Associates Degree", "3 Years, No Degree" or "4 Years No Degree" and I already feel like my brains are oozing onto the floor. It really is as stimulating as it sounds.

Since Isaac borrowed my iPod last night, and I forgot to grab it off his side table this morning, I was listening to my Goo Goo Dolls station on Pandora as I was trying to determine whether it was humanly possible to come up with more ways to define a Bachelor's degree. Suddenly, a Blues Traveler song that I haven't heard in a while came on, and I switched over to the Pandora window to give the song a rating. Funny, Pandora made a mistake--the first one I've ever seen it make. It listed the song All For You as being sung by Sister Hazel rather than Blues Traveler. They had the right song, but the wrong artist and album. Hmm. Was Sister Hazel one of John Popper's side bands? I clicked on the link to the band's bio. There's no mention of Blues Traveler or John Popper. I quickly hit Youtube and did a search for the song. Up comes a Sister Hazel video. This can't be right. I fired off an instant message to Beatnick and ask him what's wrong with this picture. He says, "Oh yeah, great song. Sister Hazel was on the Rick Dees show and did a great acapella version."

How could Pandora, Youtube and the Mighty Beatnick all be wrong? I know that is Blues Traveler singing that song, and I've known it since 1997. Until about 10 minutes ago, if you would have told me it wasn't Blues Traveler, I would have said I'd chop off my testicles with an axe handle right here and now if that's not Blues Traveler. It was at that point that I finally figured out what was happening.

Some cosmic puppeteer has altered the past for everyone except me, and now everyone thinks it's a Sister Hazel song. And he's changed the physical evidence to match everyone's altered memories. Except Geppetto forgot a couple of crucial minor details. That acapella version of Beatnick's? Magically, he couldn't seem to find it. It's obvious that the acapella Blues Traveler song from Rick Dees' show was deleted from history, and the evil engineer got side-tracked and forgot to add back the Sister Hazel version. He also got tripped up and didn't hack Julie's memories either--she knows it's Blues Traveler as well.

What does all this mean? It means I'm going to be infinitely cautious about any wagers I make from here on out, because it's quite clear that someone will go to any length to try to make me lose my testicles.

Random Thought of the Day

I'm off to get my supplies: cornmeal, gunpowder, ham hocks and guitar strings.

Wednesday, December 03, 2008

Random Thought of the Day

Let's go to the beach tonight with a bottle of wine.

Tuesday, December 02, 2008

Genius of the Day Contest

OK, this one has to use the honor system. No Googling or in any way searching for the answers--you either know them or you don't. Don't sacrifice your integrity for the sake of the prize (though I know how coveted it is). Whoever can correctly answer the most questions about Land of the Lost will be be crowned Genius of the Day.


  1. What is the name of the Sleestak ancestor who knows how to control the time portal, and what species is he?

  2. Which dude in the Sleestak suit went on to play in the NBA?

  3. What species was Chaka?

  4. What did Rick, Will and Holly call the giant stick they used to fend off the T-Rex?

  5. What was the name of the dinosaur that protected the Lost City and the Sleestak eggs?

  6. Trump Card(correct answer automatically wins the whole show): In the 1st season episode named The Hole, what special effects anomoly occurred? (OK, you have several to choose from, but this one really sticks out.)

And in case you're thinking the same thing as one of the guys I work with--"The fact that you have even the remotest knowledge of any of this makes me wonder if you have ever been with a woman"--you'll have to take that up with Julie.

Random Thought of the Day

I guess Grumpy's getting tired of eating oversized toothpicks.

Random Thought of the Day

And we wake up in the breakdown of the things we never thought we could be.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Cheers

This one's for Psymon Sez...Seeing his blog's background reminded me that he's a big Guinness fan, and it made me think of a commercial I saw a while ago. Does this fall under the Things I Learned in Kindergarten category?







Random Thought of the Day

Long time no viddy, droog.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Random Thought of the Day

I'm not angry, I'm just sayin'…

Where Are All The Geniuses?

A couple of weeks ago I posted a Genius of The Day contest. I can't believe nobody got it. Well, at least bro should have figured it out (you're slippin' man). Julie made a good guess with "Chinese milk", but she was waaay off. For all you pathetic losers, here's what you would find the logo on:


What the hell is an Amphicat? Only the most fun anyone could possibly have on six wheels. My grandpa had one when we were kids, and we'd ride all over Sugarloaf Mountain in Big Bear, CA. Here's a sample of the fun to be had--sadly, the video isn't mine (why do I always find videos that have embedding disabled?).

Monday, November 24, 2008

Random Thought of the Day

Women don't really want to hear a man's opinion; they just want to hear their opinion in a deeper voice.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Our First Electronics Project

I've been wanting to start getting into electronics, as a way to build some cool stuff as well as get the boys some hands-on science experience. Today we made our first project--an ambient orb. It uses an LED that fades through the color spectrum. The boys were a big help, and they're running around like hummingbirds on crack after successfully finishing their first project.

A true ambient orb changes color based on data input, such as changing to a specific color to indicate the weather forecast, whether the stock market is rising or falling, or whether your favorite team is winning or losing. Such a smart device is something we'll tackle down the road. Here are a few shots of our creation in action.


Friday, November 21, 2008

Random Thought of the Day

In the end we're all just chalk lines on the concrete, drawn only to be washed away.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Random Thought of the Day

Let me know if I say anything that offends you.  I may want to offend you again later.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Random Thought of the Day

Such things I hear, they don't make sense, I don't see much evidence.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Random Thought of the Day

They can't all be zingers.

Monday, November 17, 2008

Why Can't I Get a Job?


A new feature on my blog: Why Can't I Get a Job? And no, the tattoo isn't Photochopped. If you don't believe me, check out the Ada County arrest record for 11/14.

I thought about blurring the guy's face, since he's local...the last thing I need is Manville trying to hunt me down for pointing out that his Sharpie tattoo is crooked. Then Julie reminded me about our new friend, holding alternating 00 buck and slug rounds.

Random Thought of the Day

In a trap, trip I can't grip; never thought I'd be the one who'd slip.

Friday, November 14, 2008

Random Thought of the Day

You're all about lists, aren't ya?

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Genius of the Day Contest

On what would you find the following logo?

Speaking of Geniuses...

I saw this on a Craigslist car ad today:

...BODY AND INTERIOR (GREY) ARE IN GOOD SHAPE AND TIRES WOULD BE FINE THROUGH NEXT SUMMER. IT WAS GETTING 24MPG WHEN PARKED.

I can't imagine what it was getting when it was being driven.

Random Thought of the Day

Silly monkeys; give them thumbs, they make a club and beat their brother down. How they survive so misguided is a mystery.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Semi-Non-Retard of the Day

Beatnick, stop the whining--you were 4 minutes late, so your guess didn't count. And it wasn't really a guess, so you wouldn't have been in the running for Genius of the Day anyway. However, your second comment on the answer shows you have mad skills for correctly placing cheesy 70's trucker lyrics. Since I've already declared the Genius (appropriately so), I can't break precedent and have two Geniuses (Genii??). Since you came to the ball late (in your hunter orange jumpsuit no less), you get the slightly less-desired title of Semi-Non-Retard of the Day.

Genius of the Day

I'm declaring Jayna Shaye the Genius of the Day, for her guess on the pancake mystery. Even though she didn't get the correct answer, she was the only one to even attempt a guess, so she gets it. Aside from that, she's just an all-around genius, so it's only fitting.

Random Thought of the Day

Thirteen, because footballs don't have feathers.

Monday, November 10, 2008

Random Thought of the Day

If you're going down the street in your row boat and all four wheels fall off, how many pancakes does it take to cover a dog house? (answer tomorrow; first correct, full answer from a non-family member gets the Genius of the Day award).

Friday, November 07, 2008

Random Thought of the Day

You can't fight the tears that ain't coming, or the moment of truth in your lies.

Thursday, November 06, 2008

My New Favorite Picture

Random Thought of the Day

Proper barbecue ought to come in significant portions. Skinny people can eat barbecue, and do, but the kitchen should cook for a fat man who hasn't eaten since breakfast.

Tuesday, November 04, 2008

Please Excuse Me While I Attend to Non-Futility

<rant>I'm done talking politics. Not just a "Whew, I'm glad the election cycle is over" done. I'm done talking politics with anyone at any time for any reason.

Five years ago, I was a man blinded by my own preconceived notions, unwilling to even consider that opposing viewpoints held any credence. Over the last several years, I've been on a quest to see things not as I want them to be, but as they really are. It has lead to new perspective on many things, and I've become much less dogmatic on most issues. I've been willing to challenge my beliefs and change them if reason dictates I do so. Having gone through such a process, it is disheartening to see many people I like and respect refuse to be willing to do the same. They will go to their graves holding onto whatever their parents told them to believe or what they have come to believe on their own. They refuse to see that a given belief itself is what is being held onto rather than the things that undergird the belief. They worship the end and therefore accept any means to it, at the expense of critical thought and intellectual integrity.

When one participates in a political discussion, it is for one of two reasons: 1)to attempt to validate a belief by engaging like-minded people; 2)to attempt to sway the belief of people with opposing viewpoints. The first is nothing more than a pathetically-veiled exercise in self aggrandizement. The second only has value when both parties are willing to challenge their preconceived notions. Since I have no need to validate myself by having someone pat me on the back for agreeing with them, and since 99.99% of people are unwilling to even consider the possibility of truly challenging their beliefs, discussions of a political nature have exactly zero value for me. OK, not exactly zero--they have exactly .01% value, which is close enough to zero to call zero.

In addition, a fairly significant number of people are whiny bitches who want the government to take care of them. Since I want to continue liking and respecting people whom I like and respect, I prefer not to engage in discussions that "out" them as whiny bitches. Therefore I will no longer participate in political discussions with anyone. Please don't think me rude if I excuse myself from such conversations.</rant>

Random Thought of the Day

Before you hedge those bets you placed against me, be reticent of fortunes they foretell.

Monday, November 03, 2008

Random Thought of the Day

You're under arrest...get in the basket! Ching, ching.

Friday, October 31, 2008

My Pumpkin

Here's my first shot at pumpkin sculpting. The picture is horrible...my camera sucks in low-light conditions, but you get the idea.


Here it is in the light.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Random Thought of the Day

You want me to think outside the box? Does it have to be a box? Can't it be a trapezoid?

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Random Thought of the Day

I saw a werewolf with a Chinese menu in his hand, walking through the streets of Soho in the rain.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Random Thought of the Day

Are you gonna help me, or are you gonna stand there like a slab of meat with mittens?

Saturday, October 25, 2008

The True Cause of Our Troubles

Everyone is running around trying to point fingers at who or what is responsible for the current state of the US financial situation. "It's the failed economic policies of the Bush administration!" "It's Bill Clinton's push to have more minorities own homes!" Here's a pretty good overview of how we got here. It's from NPR, and it's surprisingly non-political. I listen to NPR, but I don't usually recommend their stories for the same reason I don't recommend ones from the likes of MSNBC or Fox News--I hate biased commentary passed off as news, regardless of the source. Kudos to NPR for acting like real journalists. If you're dead set on keeping your head in the sand because you want to blame one thing or the other, you have a built-in excuse to not listen to this one--it takes about an hour to listen to the whole thing, but it's well worth the time.

Friday, October 24, 2008

The Four Cellists of the Apocalypse

Wednesday night we went to see Apocalyptica with Todd and Becca. For the uninitiated, Apocalyptica is a Finnish heavy metal cello band. You heard right...heavy metal cellos. No guitars, just four cellos and a set of drums (with an occasional singer on a few songs). It was a great concert--they're all amazing musicians. Becca's sister knows the band, and she got us the skybox at the Big Easy (I refuse to call it by its new name). We also got to meet the band before the concert. They're pretty cool dudes, Eicca and Paavo especially. I talked with Paavo (the guy with the black mowhawk) about Finland, skiing and kids. Benny had to have the drummer, Mikko's, autograph, so we got that for him. They're all nice guys, some are just more talkative than others. Perttu is the dark, brooding one. Becca told him she saw them in California a couple of years ago. She said, "You weren't feeling well that night." To which he replied, "I never feel well."

Hopefully they'll come back to Boise again. And hopefully they'll throw some Tool into the lineup. Vicarious is begging to be played by these guys, and they certainly have the talent to do it right.

Here's a sample of their chops (sorry, they don't allow embedding of the video)

Random Thought of the Day

This type of thinking could do us in.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Random Thought of the Day

Motion in the ocean, his air hose broke. Lots of trouble. Lots of bubbles.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Random Thought of the Day

"Apollo 13 wasn't so bad was it?"

"Well at least they made shit up about a made-up thing. It was a true rendering of a fake event."

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Random Thought of the Day

Whatever happened to all the season's losers of the year?

Monday, October 20, 2008

Random Thought of the Day

Wow...hey, you know what man? I think I might have been in the Navy.

Friday, October 17, 2008

Random Thought of the Day

Tricking us in, don't get along if you're brothers. So phasing it out, correcting vision with fists.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Random Thought of the Day

Sacred cows make the best hamburger.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Random Thought of the Day

'Cause it's a bittersweet symphony that's life. Try to make ends meet, you're a slave to money, then you die.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Random Thought of the Day

Relax. Let those of us who aren't you enjoy this moment.

Friday, October 10, 2008

Random Thought of the Day

I'm a driver, I'm a winner. Things are gonna change, I can feel it.

Thursday, October 09, 2008

Random Thought of the Day

When the cries of the nightjar fall silent, only then do you know he is attached to the goat.

Wednesday, October 08, 2008

Random Thought of the Day

Leaves were falling just like embers;
In colors red and gold, they'd set us on fire,
Burning just like a moonbeam in our eyes.

Tuesday, October 07, 2008

Random Thought of the Day

I got worms.

Monday, October 06, 2008

Random Thought of the Day

It's not always rainbows and butterflies, it's compromise, it moves us along.

Friday, October 03, 2008

Random Thought of the Day

I found out that beneath my goodie-two-shoes, I'm wearing some very dark socks.

Thursday, October 02, 2008

Random Thought of the Day

She thinks that happiness is a mat that sits on her doorway, but outside it starts raining.

Wednesday, October 01, 2008

Isaacism

After mowing the lawn: "I'm here to collect my bounty for killing the grass."

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Random Thought of the Day

Hello, how are you? I know you, I knew you...I think I can't remember your name. Hello, I'm sorry, I lost myself, I think I thought you were someone else.

Monday, September 29, 2008

Random Thought of the Day

I've been married for 25 years to the same wonderful, infuriating woman, and granted, there are days when I want to light her on fire, but I don't, because I love her. And that would be illegal.

Friday, September 26, 2008

Random Thought of the Day

I believe in coyotes and time as an abstract.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Random Though of the Day

I hope that wasn't crucial.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Random Thought of the Day

I'm sure even McDonald's has an "Underwear Go Inside the Pants" policy. Not that they enforce it very strictly, but technically, I'm sure it's on the books.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Random Thought of the Day

All those memories will be lost in time…like tears in rain.

Monday, September 22, 2008

Random Thought of the Day

This may hurt a little, but it's something you'll get used to.

Friday, September 19, 2008

Random Thought of the Day

It was pandelirium! I thought we'd be killed or even worse.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Random Thought of the Day

Scars are souvenirs you never lose, the past is never far.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Random Thought of the Day

You've beaten my giant, which means that you're exceptionally strong...but you've also bested my Spaniard, which means you must have studied...so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Random Thought of the Day

Let's turn our wretched debate into action.

Monday, September 15, 2008

Random Thought of the Day

With all due respect, that sort of decision should be made by someone who knows his mass from a black hole.

Friday, September 12, 2008

Random Thought of the Day

Little Mikey Carson: '67 - '75. He rode his bike like the devil until the day he died. When he grows up, he wants to be Mr. Vertigo on the flying trapeze.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Random Thought of the Day

Suddenly, Bill Clinton wants to lay pipe in Alaska.

Monday, September 08, 2008

Random Thought of the Day

It coulda killed everybody big enough to die.

Friday, September 05, 2008

Random Thought of the Day

This is my mistake, let me make it good. I raised the wall, and I will be the one to knock it down.

Thursday, September 04, 2008

Random Thought of the Day

Didn't ask for a dime…TWO DOLLARS!!

Wednesday, September 03, 2008

Random Thought of the Day

After calming me down with some orange slices and some fetal spooning, E.T. revealed the biggest singular purpose: he said, "You are the chosen one, the one who will deliver the message; a message of hope for those who choose to hear it, and a warning to those who do not".

Tuesday, September 02, 2008

Random Thought of the Day

Chicken pot, chicken pot, chicken pot piiiiie.

Friday, August 29, 2008

Random Thought of the Day

If you're headed to the grave, you don't blame the hearse; you're like a little girl yelling at her brother 'cause you lost his ball.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Random Thought of the Day

Once upon a time, there was a magical place where it never rained. THE END!

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Random Thought of the Day

Australia?!? Mercy sakes, ain't nuttin' down there but Tasmanian devils and them q-ala bears. What's that? No double-nickel limit? We'll be there in a short.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Random Thought of the Day

I can't be friends with him. He's...twitchy.

Monday, August 25, 2008

Barack: The Ground That Keeps our Feet From Getting Wet...The Sky Over Our Heads

I really hesitate to do this, because at this point, I'm basically a-political. I consider myself a ReNothingCrat or a DeNothingCan. Believe me, I'm not stumping for McCain AT ALL. I'm firmly on this side of things:


Having said that, this is just too creepy to pass up. I've heard some people comment on how the masses act as though Barack Obama is some kind of messiah. I don't care who you are, if this doesn't make your skin crawl, you already drank the Kool-Aid. Good luck being able to watch more than about a minute and thirty seconds.

Random Thought of the Day

Mediocrity: It takes a lot less time and most people won't notice the difference until it's too late.

Saturday, August 23, 2008

Random Thought of the Day

You're doing the same thing, aren't you? No, you're not angry at him, you're just pointing at him.

Friday, August 22, 2008

Random Thought of the Day

Red Ryder, this is the Cotton Mouth in the psycho-billy Cadillac, come on.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Random Thought of the Day

Sometimes I think the world has gone completely mad. And then I think, "Aw, who cares?" And then I think, "Hey, what's for supper?"

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Random Thought of the Day

No matter what you do, you'll always feel as though you tripped and fell.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Random Thought of the Day

Didn't put enough dirt down. Saw it right off.

Monday, August 18, 2008

Random Thought of the Day

If you talkin' 'bout an old man's friend, Grant will getcha outta whatever you in.

Sunday, August 17, 2008

Our Newest Project

The boys and I made a homemade smoke bomb today. It turned out to be quite robust. It lasted nearly two full minutes. A couple of the neighbor kids came running over--they thought we were on fire. We're going to try to get colored smoke next time, and make an even bigger impression. Speaking of making an impression on neighbors, my friend Eric would probably find these useful...

Friday, August 15, 2008

Random Thought of the Day

I ain't jacked my lumber, Baby, since my chain saw you.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Random Thought of the Day

Cheesy moon boy, throw your space rocks all around. Your friend Balloon Boy is tangled, can't get unwound.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Cover Songs That Spank the Original Versions


Born To Be Wild
Original by Steppenwolf:


The Cult's version:



Black Betty
Original by Ram Jam- I'm pretty sure this debuted on a 1977 broadcast of A Prairie Home Companion.

Spiderbait's version - There ain't no prairies in Austrailia...just gator-infested outback, machetes and bullwhips.


Faith
Original by George Michael- For those who truly believe that the guy in the adjacent park bathroom stall will start tapping his foot...

Limp Bizkit's version - For the pee-off-the-back-porch kind of guy who prefers irreverant man-screaming. A complete sonic mockery of the original. Poifect.

Random Thought of the Day

I believe in Karma. That means I can do bad things to people all day long and I assume they deserve it.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

I Could Get Used to This

We had a great trip to Oregon. We did a lot of the standard tourist things, but here are a few of the highlights for me.

Horsetail Falls - This was great for a couple of reasons: 1)Every other time we've gone through The Dalles, we've always gone at break-neck speed, with no time to waste. It was nice to take the scenic route and enjoy the ride; 2)After being in the car for several hours, it was a good outlet for the boys. It was the perfect place to expend lots of excited energy, and it was great to see their awe.

Crabbing - Kicking back, watching the boys chat up everyone else on the dock, not a care for how many hours have passed...that's what I call a vacation. And hearing Isaac inform all dungeness crabs that he would exact revenge (after finding out that crab claws can indeed be faster than kid fingers) by catching the largest of the lot--and then doing just that--was priceless.

Cafe Mundo - This funky, hippy hangout in Newport's Nye Beach District had really good food and an eclectic atmosphere. The best part though, was open mic night. Ben got up and read his poem I Am. OK, I had to pay him to do it, but it was worth it to see him gather the courage to get in front of a bunch of strangers and share one of his creations. They all loved it.

The Sand Dunes - We took a sandrail ride just outside of Florence. We thought about renting one, but decided to take a guided tour. We're glad we did. Those guys are professionals, and they gave us way more of a thrill than we would have given ourselves. When they say, "Make sure you don't have any lip stick or chapstick on your lips" before you take off, they mean it. Definitely worth the money and the trip south.

Those are the big things that stick out in my mind. They're actually pretty small, and mostly unexpected things, but the ones memories are made of. Here are some some pictures of our trip.

Random Thought of the Day

Day after day, day after day, we stuck nor breath nor motion; as idle as a painted ship upon a painted ocean.

Monday, August 11, 2008

Random Thought of the Day

Swim? Swammi? Slippy? Slappy? Swenson? Swanson? Samsonite! I was way off!

Friday, August 01, 2008

Random Thought of the Day

Smokin' cigarettes and watchin' Captain Kangaroo. Now don't tell me I've nothin' to do.

Thursday, July 31, 2008

Random Thought of the Day

If a pretty poster and a cute saying are all it takes to motivate you, you probably have a very easy job. The kind robots will be doing soon.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Random Thought of the Day

There's no use in looking back when I know that there's nothing there to see. I'm not living for the past, or for the memories.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Random Thought of the Day

And now, "Dead Flower", brought to you by Kellogg's Frosted Flakes.

Monday, July 28, 2008

Random Thought of the Day

Mickey Mouse has grown up a cow. Dave's on sale again.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Random Thought of the Day

I always say you can never travel with too many ointments.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Random Thought of the Day

This is classic gaming. That means that sausages are bent usually.

Friday, July 11, 2008

Random Thought of the Day

Now is the perfect time to panic!

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Random Thought of the Day

A little off-center, and I'm out of tune. Just kicking this can down the avenue. But I'm alright.

Tuesday, July 08, 2008

Don't Show The Root Element When Binding an XmlDataSource to an ASP.Net Treeview Control

I was trying to find the cure for an XML problem today. When binding an XMLDataSource to an ASP.Net Treeview, I didn't want the stupid root node to show. After slogging through way too many Google results, I found Hide Root Node of XML Bound TreeView (ASP.NET). Exactly what I needed. So easy a caveman could do it. If you want to do any of the following, this will do the trick:


  • Don't show the root element of an XML document used as a data source ( XMLDataSource ) of an ASP.Net Treeview control

  • Hide the first node of a data bound XML document using XPath

  • Yes, I know these are various ways of saying the same thing--just trying to catch most of the keywords most people are likely to use, so they can hopefully find the answer more quickly than I did.

Random Thought of the Day

When you earnestly believe you can compensate for a lack of skill by doubling your efforts, there's no end to what you can't do.

Monday, July 07, 2008

Random Thought of the Day

If I had your brain instead, then I probably wouldn't feel a thing.

Thursday, July 03, 2008

Random Thought of the Day

A 12-step program for compulsive talkers: On-and-On-Anon.

Wednesday, July 02, 2008

Random Thought of the Day

Get crazy with the Cheez Whiz!

Tuesday, July 01, 2008

Random Thought of the Day

Champagne for my real friends and real pain for my sham friends.

Monday, June 30, 2008

Random Thought of the Day

Save some face, you know you've only got one.

Friday, June 27, 2008

Random Thought of the Day

Quitters never win, winners never quit, but those who never win and never quit are idiots.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Random Thought of the Day

Maybe I'm the one who is a schizophrenic psycho. Yeah, maybe I'm the one who is a paranoid freak. No, you're the one.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Random Thought of the Day

Your post looks weird. It has the word "mattress" in alligator mouths on either end. Were you trying to insert a picture of a mattress?

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Random Thought of the Day

A few years later, they got married. They had two kids and a dog names Spot. They were so happy, so much in love; they put their kids to bed and went and watched Ben Hur.

Monday, June 23, 2008

Random Thought of the Day

If only you could see what I've seen with your eyes.

Friday, June 20, 2008

Random Thought of the Day

The pain of war cannot exceed the woe of aftermath.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Random Thought of the Day

Until you have the courage to lose sight of the shore, you will not know the terror of being forever lost at sea.

Saturday, June 14, 2008

"Nice" Is In the Eye of the Beholder

The kids are staying with Papa and Grandma for a couple of weeks. Julie called them the other day, and while she was talking with Isaac, she mentioned that we were going to go out to dinner, but weren't sure where. He said, "May I offer a suggestion for a nice dinner out?" Of course, she obliged. He said, "I would suggest Burger King, because they have those wonderful Whoppers you enjoy so much." We gave his suggestion careful consideration, but a toss of the coin sent us to our favorite Thai restaurant.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Random Thought of the Day

They call me Mr. Knowitall
I am so eloquent.
Perfection is my middle name
And whatever rhymes with eloquent.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Random Thought of the Day

If you have one bucket that holds 2 gallons, and you have another bucket that holds 5 gallons, how many buckets do you have?

Friday, June 06, 2008

How to Be Manly: Today, Lesson #1247

Today Ben asked me if there were more men or women in the world. I told him there were a few more women than men, and he said he thought we should build a wall and have all the men on one side and all the women on the other. The men would then destroy all non-manly things on their side. When I asked him what kind of manly things he'd keep around, he said, "You know...chainsaws, giant meat houses, bull whip factories. Things like that."

Random Thought of the Day

You aren't being paid to believe in the power of your dreams.

Thursday, June 05, 2008

Random Thought of the Day

It's possible that the worst of the inside could take our pencils away.

Wednesday, June 04, 2008

Random Thought of the Day

English is the greatest language in the world. It is the crème de la crème of languages.

Tuesday, June 03, 2008

Random Thought of the Day

Yeah, they come to snuff the rooster. You know he ain't gonna die.

Monday, June 02, 2008

Random Thought of the Day

Let me put it this way: have you ever heard of Plato, Aristotle, Socrates? MORONS!

Sunday, June 01, 2008

Random Thought of the Day

That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass. And I'm just the one to do it.

Friday, May 30, 2008

Lost Thought of the Week

Sometimes good command decisions get compromised by bad emotional responses.

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Random Thought of the Day

If you never try anything new, you'll miss out on many of life's great disappointments.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Monkey in the Pool Room

I can't believe, in a digital age such as ours, that the lyrics for R.L. Burside's Monkey in the Pool Room, from the album Acoustic Stories are virtually nowhere to be found on the internet. This is one of my all-time favorite stories (it has a monkey in it, how could it not be a great story?) It's a good one to tell the kids at bed time or around the camp fire. Here it is. Make sure to check out the spoken version from R.L. Burnside.


Once upon a time down in the jungles, located somewhere in the sticks,
The elephant ran a pool room down there, but the baboon, he was the slick.
Didn't nobody like the monkey 'cause he wore fine clothes,
And a '48 Cadillac was the car he drove (which, it was in '48, you know).

So early one morning that elephant opened up them pool room doors,
And up drove this monkey from the coconut grove.
The elephant looked out at him and snuggled up his nose;
He was hot with that monkey 'cuz he had on some fine clothes.
That monkey had on a zip-fly sport shirt and a one-button robe.
Had on a pair of two-tone suedes and an Adam hat.
Had on a Chesterfield topcoat with a belt in the back.

When he walked in the front and started jivin' out the back,
That's when the baboon jumped up and grabbed him right square in the back.
The monkey said, "Look out man, get your hands off me!
I was only goin' outdoors to take a pee."
So he went outdoors and he peed and he came back.
He walked back in the building and said,
"Now I know all you fellas in here think I'm a fool,
But I'll play anybody in here a game of pool.
So that's what the baboon wanted to hear you know.

So they racked the balls and they racked 'em quick,
And the monkey reached in the rack and grabbed himself a stick.
The baboon was over there at the wall gettin' him a little dust,
And the first thing the monkey did is beat the fella to the bust.
The crack of the ball sounded like a .45,
And that brought scaldin' water from that baboon's eyes.
Now on the break, this monkey made the 1, 2 and 3.
Then he winked his eye at the house man and said, "Watch the game, I got to go pee."

So when he went outdoors that time,
That's when the elephant looked at the baboon with them hustler's eyes
And let him know then, there was no money in the game he could afford to let slide.
And I think it's 6 pockets on a pool table, is that right?
I know the monkey ran the 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 and 9
All in different pockets at the same damn time.
Now the 13 was the perfect setup,
But see, the monkey, he knew not to fail,
He said, "I'm gonna bank that one with a 3-cushion rail."
Shot the 14 up the color and the 15 down the side,
Stomped his stick and winked both his eyes.

That's when that baboon jumped up and said, "God almighty damn!"
He said, "You know why I'm hot?
That monkey's out, and I ain't even had a shot!".
The monkey said, "You been runnin' around here with your nose all snotty;
If you didn't know what you was doin', you shoulda been askin' somebody.
You coulda asked your Uncle Zeke, they live right across the creek.
I cooned him once for a solid week.
I got a pair of deuces and switched out on jacks and queens.
That was the awefulest switch your Uncle Zeke had ever seen."

That was a pool-shootin' fella.

Saturday, May 24, 2008

Random Thought of the Day

I rock a lawsuit when I'm going to court, a white suit when I'm getting divorced, a black suit at the funeral home and my birthday suit when I'm home alone.

Friday, May 23, 2008

Random Thought of the Day

<mattress>Do not remove, under penalty of law</mattress>

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Random Thought of the Day

"What's the soup de jour?"
"It's the soup of the day."
"Mmmm...that sounds good...I'll have that."

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Stumping for the Kid

Benjamin's decided that he wants to be a writer. I must say, he's pretty good. He still needs some polish, but some of the stuff that comes out of him is very creative. I've posted a couple of his writings here, but decided he'd be better served by having his own blog. Please bookmark it and check it often to see what's coming from his mind: Ben's Prose

Random Thought of the Day

I wonder what it's like to be the head honcho. I'd shout out an order, "I think we're out of this man, get me some! Boy, don't make me want to change my tone!"

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

The Boulevard of Broken Dreams

Yes, I know, the title of this post is a little dramatic. OK, pathetic. I've heard that some of you think I'm in Alabama learning to fly helicopters for the Army. Well, that was the plan, but the Idaho National Guard had other ideas--they wouldn't approve my age waiver. So my quest is officially over. My enlistment is done in January '09, and I'll serve out my time and move on. I knew going into it that my chances of being accepted to flight school were extraordinarily slim, but it was worth it to me to give it one last try. And I did take some private flight lessons, so at least I can say that I've flown a helicopter, and I can be at peace knowing that I gave it my best shot. Hmmm. Somehow the satisfaction which that statement is supposed to provide is escaping me at the moment.

Genius of the Day: The Mighty Beatnik

By the powers vested in me, I hereby officially decree Beatnik as the Genius of the Day, for being the first person to correctly translate my Engrish text message. We all know that, as iron sharpens iron, Beatnik has only gotten smarter as he's hung around me, which explains his amazing powers of translation.

Random Thought of the Day

We the unwilling, led by the unknowing, do the impossible for the ungrateful. We have done so much with so little for so long, we are now qualified to do anything with nothing.

Monday, May 19, 2008

Random Thought of the Day

Never be afraid to share your dreams with the world, because there's nothing the world loves more than the taste of really sweet dreams.

Sunday, May 18, 2008

Lost Thought of the Week

Destiny, John, is a fickle bitch.

Saturday, May 17, 2008

Lost Thought of the Week

Jesus Christ is not a weapon. Now enjoy your party.

Silver by Benjamin

Silver is...
A new pointy screw,
The clouds on a rainy day,
My mom's fast car,
And a shiny beautiful piece of crome.

Silver is...
A smooth point of a crayon,
A hard cold piece of metal,
A strong stool leg,
And a scratchy, rough rock.

That's what silver is to me!

Bennyism

After Julie gave Ben a taste of her beer the other day, he asked, "Mom, when I grow up, can I write books about dogs and be a beer tester too?"

Engrish Text Messaging

The word-complete feature on my cell phone doesn't always work as I think it will, and I'm usually in too big of a hurry to notice. Here's some classic Engrish I sent to Julie the other day:

You want of to try to cool some steals, or go to texas?


The first person to figure out what I actually meant to send, and posts it in a comment gets their name mentioned as Jeff's Genius of the Day.

Friday, May 16, 2008

Random Thought of the Day

Be obsequious, purple and clairvoyant.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Random Thought of the Day

I'm going to actually start posting some of the random thoughts that go through my head, as my blog title suggests (what a concept). You're likely to find my favorite movie lines, lyrics and odd quotes from comedians, grandpa or elsewhere. I've been setting the Note on Office Communicator to a different thought every day for a couple
of weeks. I'll post a few to catch up and then hopefully keep up here every day.

I remember when I lost my mind. There was something so pleasant about that place...

There are 10 kinds of people: those who understand binary and those who don't.

Overwhelmed as one would be, placed in my position, such a heavy burden now to be The One--born to bear and read to all the details of our ending, to write it down for all the world to see...but I forgot my pen. Typical

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

Everything Zen. I don't think so.

The man who carries a cat by the tail learns something that can be learned in no other way.

If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.

If God dwells inside us like some people say, I sure hope He likes enchiladas, because that's what He's getting.

I said it too many times, and I still stand firm: you get what you put in, and people get what they deserve. Still, I ain't seen mine; I've been giving, just ain't been getting, I've been walking down that line. So I think I'll keep on walking with my head held high. I'll keep moving on, if only God knows why.

Power corrupts. Absolute power corrupts absolutely. But it rocks absolutely, too.

The only consistent feature in all of your dissatisfying relationships is you.

If we had some ham, we'd have ham and eggs. If we had some eggs. - This one came from dear old Dad. When we were kids, he would alway pop it off whenever we would whine, "If only blah blah blah..." Back then I just looked at him sideways. If only I would have recognized the simple genius of it back then.

Train don't run outta Wichita. Unlessin' you're a hog or a cattle. People train runs outta Stubbville.