Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Honey, Did You Pack the Brimstone?


- noun

  1. a hill near Jerusalem where Jesus was crucified.

  2. a place of suffering or sacrifice.

  3. a place of burial.

  4. literally, skull

Fun Park

- noun

  1. ummm...a park where you have fun.

I wish I could make this stuff up. I couldn't come up with Golgotha Fun Park even if I dropped a hit of acid and read the Bible upside-down while watching a David Lynch movie in a jock strap.

This is (or was) an acutal "Biblical Golf" attraction in Cave City, Kentucky. I can't imagine why in the world it closed down. I mean, who wouldn't want to pack up the kids on a lazy Saturday afternoon for a rousing round of suffering and sacrifice? Wait a minute...isn't that what Sundays are for? I digress.

I would really like to see what kind of people would not only come up with this idea, but then have the presence of mind to think it was a good, solid one. Let's not even talk about the people who would actually take the time to go there (other than to take pictures of the sign to prove that a new level of choadness has been birthed).

I mean, really, can you just imagine the conversation: "Hey Cletus, pack up the yung-uns, we's a-gonna go to that there hellfire park. If'n ya hit that platic Jesus with yer balls again, you's a-gonna git struck by ligtnin'."

I was going to put this in the same category as the "Haunted Hell" houses at Halloween or the "Let's write Jesus Loves You on the sidewalk so we can make a difference" kind of thing. Can't do it. This thing just defined it's own category. Of all the things I've ever seen that make Christians look crazier than shithouse rats, this one takes the cake. Those Kentuckians might want to consider not using moonshine for communion.

Random Thought of the Day

I can't help it, I'm a greedy slob. It's my hobby.

Monday, March 30, 2009

Random Thought of the Day

Annie, you're OK. But you're jealous. But you're OK.

Friday, March 27, 2009

Random Thought of the Day

So this is how liberty dies…with thunderous applause.

Friday, March 20, 2009

Random Thought of the Day

It was all new to Bill, this business of nocturnal emissions.

Monday, March 16, 2009

Random Thought of the Day

The nice thing about being a celebrity is that when you bore people, they think it's their fault.

Friday, March 13, 2009

Random Thought of the Day

He wakes up in the morning, does his teeth, bite to eat and he's rolling. Never changes a thing; the week ends, the week begins.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Random Thought of the Day

Stop steamin' up my tail! What are you trying to do, wrinkle it?

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Random Thought of the Day

When you're thinking of a joke and nobody's gonna listen to the one small point I know they've been missing around here.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Don't Know Whatcha Got Til It's Gone

I never, ever thought I would say this as long as the world was round, but I absolutely love cubicles. We're getting ready to move to another floor, and since our cubicle panels will need to be moved, they thought now would be a good time to have them recovered. So our panels were removed last week. Talk about feeling like you're in a fish bowl. It's only eight weeks, I can get through anything, right?

The worst part isn't that your every move is on a grand stage. It isn't the added noise, or the added visual distraction. It isn't even that you can plainly see that people are indeed utter slobs. No, the worst part is that you can stand up to take your lunch to the fridge, happen to glance over at someone we'll call Turbo and see him knuckle-deep in the booger vault.

And then there's Uncle J., the creepy, meat-gazing freak who roams around with that special glint in his eye (is that a daub of What-About-Mary mousse hanging off his chin?) With no walls, his man-per-scan ratio just increased by orders of magnitude.

Can I pleeeeez have my 8X8 cell back? I'll never complain again. Dilbert always complains about cubicles. He can f*%# off, because he apparently never experienced the alternative.

Random Thought of the Day

Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.

Monday, March 09, 2009

Random Thought of the Day

Earl took out a match & scratched his pants & lit up the unused half of a dollar cigar & took a puff, says, "My, ain't this purdy up here?"

Sunday, March 08, 2009

Random Thought of the Day

Let's show this prehistoric bitch how we do things downtown.

Friday, March 06, 2009

Random Thought of The Day

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.

Thursday, March 05, 2009

Keep Swooning, Numbskulls

This is just too choice to pass up. Though I refuse to talk about political positions, I will continue to bust on the Obamabots every chance I get. You thought you were getting the suave, polished, man of the world? The totally hip, happenin' hepcat who would so impress world leaders that they would convulse and slobber over him like you do? Guess again dumb-ass.

British Prime Minister Gordon Brown just finished paying a visit to the Anointed One. As is customary, the two leaders exchanged gifts. It's a meaningful gesture that underscores the long-held relationship between the two countries.

PM Brown came bearing some rather impressive, well-thought-out and symbolic gifts:

The Prime Minister gave Mr Obama an ornamental pen holder made from the timbers of the Victorian anti-slave ship HMS Gannet.

The unique present delighted Mr Obama because oak from the Gannet's sister ship, HMS Resolute, was carved to make a desk that has sat in the Oval Office in the White House since 1880.

Mr Brown also handed over a framed commission for HMS Resolute and a first edition of the seven-volume biography of Churchill by Sir Martin Gilbert.
Wow. The whole anti-slave sister-ship piece of history...very well done, Mr. Prime Minister. And what did you receive in return from the long-awaited Messiah of Diplomacy?
A set of DVDs. Barack Obama, the leader of the world's richest country, gave the Prime Minister a box set of 25 classic American films - a gift about as exciting as a pair of socks.
Thanks for the Wal-Mart special there, Slick Rick. Not to mention that the Prime Minister reportedly doesn't even particularly care for movies. All you choads who are rubbing your backs raw with self-congratulation because you think you elected the most refined, enlightened leader in the history of world history can take a tea bag on the chin. Make that a Chuck Norris potato sack. And no spitting either.

I have a friend at work who is very cool. While she's not a mindless swooner, she "likes his style". Well, there's some style for you. Style like Cousin Eddie's white patent leather shoes. Dude just pulled the diplomatic equivalent of swinging by the Stinker Station on his way home on Christmas Eve to pick up a dashing set of Yosemite Sam "Back Off!" mud flaps for the wife.

And now for the best part [drum roll]...the Obamatons will continue to be all verklempt over a man who is showing himself to be more of a rube than Dan Quayle in a Doonesbury panel.

Random Thought of the Day

I am determined that my children shall be brought up in their father's religion, if they can find out what it is.

Wednesday, March 04, 2009

Random Thought of the Day

It is rather difficult being rich. If it weren't for the money, I'd rather be poor.

Tuesday, March 03, 2009

Random Thought of the Day

Got my pills against mosquito death.

Monday, March 02, 2009

Random Thought of the Day

I'm not honest, but you're interesting.